


Blue

by kxdlola120



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 10:18:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16931415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxdlola120/pseuds/kxdlola120
Summary: Jongin would follow Kyungsoo everywhere, but he doesn't get to follow him home.





	Blue

When you're close to stars, everything else doesn't matter.

There's only unlimited amount of sky you're allowed to see, your feet propped up on the edge, ignoring how the world bustles below.

It's gray, and dirty, but you take a seat at the edge, both legs pushed in between railings, and you feel alive again. Like nothing else mattered before this; like everything led to this moment.

When you look up, it's only a piece of sky, not shy to push through and approach, as you see little fuzzies at the edges of your eyes, getting lost in the vast space.

Or rather vast emptiness.

Because it drains you.

It let's you take a deep breath, allow you to be with yourself once again, and you feel like suffocating. Not escaping from your reality, just taking a run. Far, far, away, always coming back in circles to the beginning. But each time... it gets easier.

You get to dream.

You also get to stop for a moment in time.

Because nothing else matters.

When you look before you, it's your favorite color, in your favorite shade, and you take a deep breath. It's obligatory, after all. The one that closes your eyes, and expends your chest. Like you've seen in the movies, but makes you feel like far away from everything you've ever known.

And then you exhale. It blurs you a bit, making it stutter while releasing, but the breath gets lost in the fresh air, in the last sunrays, and the first twinkle of stars.

And you forget it all.

Daily burns, forgotten friendships, broken hearts, spilled coffees, deadlines... don't matter anymore. They might matter down there, where people mingle, going on with their repetitive days, losing themselves in the routine. But never here.

    "And that's why I want to live in the tallest building in the world. Breathe fresh air, bathe in the first sun-lights, and just let it go. Expand my chest with the freshest air, and reach out to touch that piece of sky that isn't shy to approach."

    "Wow, hyung.. That was.... deep, if I can call it that."

Kyungsoo smiles softly to his snicker-clad feet, pushing them out as much as the bones allow. Then he cracks a wider smile, looking up to see the night sky expanding as much as his eyes allow him to see, and he feels like a new man. Like he's shredded the old skin, donning a fresh set that doesn't feel heavy and suffocating.

    "That's why I want to go back to that one rooftop that makes me feel saved."

Next to him, Jongin hums. It's silent, getting lost in the crisp air that bites at their fingertips. Speaking of which, Jongin's are tucked in his sweater paws, as he slumps down over his lap, picking at loose rocks. Kyungsoo pushes himself off the ground, holding both palms flat on the surface as he kicks back.

The ground is still lukewarm underneath, getting burned from the today's Sun, so Kyungsoo didn't have to bring his blanket as well. His jacket is enough, and he doesn't worry about Jongin being cold, because the younger said it himself.

    'I'm fine, hyung. I wanna go with you.'

So that's how the late Friday afternoon turned to bright evening, with two figures cradling close, watching stars taking the stage instead. And with the first star twinkling, Jongin asks about Kyungsoo's unusual habit.

    'Most people are afraid of the height,' Jongin has said. 'But not you'.

    'Not me,' Kyungsoo nodded afterwards, watching as Jongin pondered about it, deep in thought.

    'Why?'

    'Because I want to fly away. Somewhere far. Where buildings are so high you can't see the ground; where you get lightheaded from inhaling too much air.'

    "Do you know, Jongin, how stars are born?"

Jongin looks to the side where Kyungsoo is, not looking at him like he usually doesn't. Nothing can stop between him and the sky, after all. And Jongin has learned that a way back, when they first met. Right in this building beneath.

    "No, hyung. How are stars born?"

He hears his hyung snickering for himself, having those same stars spilling in both of his bottomless orbs when he looks to the side, granting him a sliver of his attention, undivided most of the time. Stunning, Jongin briefly thinks. His hyung has always been one of a kind.

Until Kyungsoo answers, so sure of his answer, so proud of his knowledge. And Jongin's once again remembers where they are at; which place has them nailed down, as much as they want to spread their wings and fly away.

    "Dying. They're born dying."

And Jongin doesn't want his hyung to spread his wings and walk away from here. He doesn't want to never see him again; after all, this is their special place. Their special time. Where nobody looks for them, when nobody cares.

But Jongin cares. He cares so much when Kyungsoo smiles up to the night sky that he could never be a rival to. And he wishes for Kyungsoo to look him at this moment right now, and love him as much as he does the vast emptiness.

 

***

 

Jongin lies down, hearing the machines around him. They tend to be muffled in his mind, for he's learned to live with them, more than his own family, or even Kyungsoo—his favorite hyung.

But they're so loud now, as he tries to watch the same spot on the ceiling, picturing Kyungsoo's sky.

It doesn't belong to the world, it's Kyungsoo's, because this sky above hospital belongs to his hyung and nobody else. He's certain almost that the sky loves him back just as much, because it keeps calling his name, and Jongin doesn't like how it sounds.

His hyung doesn't need to see it to him to remember it, but Kyungsoo's persistent.

While the nurses leave for their stations, and doctors are not on their floor, Kyungsoo peeks through. It's always been like that.

Jongin doesn't pressure himself to sleep, because he knows that the footsteps echoing in the hall belong to Kyungsoo. And when the boy knocks softly on the back of his door, Jongin's already beaming, feeling like he's swallowed the same Sun Kyungsoo loves so much.

And if he feels like just by thinking about him, Jongin would've swallowed the whole brazen sky, if it meant his hyung was staying with him.

He stops for a second, collecting his straggling breath upon hearing soft patter on the linoleum. The walk is all too familiar, and Jongin's already pulling at his snickers kicked underneath the bed, grabbing for his jacket.

When he feels like swarms of bees are attacking his stomach, he hears the patter stopping, a voice clearing out.

    "Nini?"

And the chest constricting doesn't seem impossible when only Kyungsoo is allowed to call him that. Not even his older sister that likes to baby him whenever she visits. Not even his mother who cries whenever he fails them, and have a seizure. And not even his dad who brings him all of his homework, giving him most space out of all of them who visit.

When he doesn't answer and waits for Kyungsoo to make a first step, Jongin hears it again.

    "... Nini? Are you in there?"

Jongin collects all the sunrays beaming down his throat, and brings it out for Kyungsoo. When he opens the door, Kyungsoo is still in his pajama, cute ones on baby penguins, looking up with those bottomless orbs.

    "You scared me," He clutches at his heart, taking a deep breath to calm down.

If he could be in his place in a second, Jongin would trade all of his days for Kyungsoo's nights. But that's not possible, he remembers once again.

Kyungsoo is strong; he reminds his worried mind. He can take upon a challenge, and fulfill it completely.

His hyung is the core strength he has each time when their eyes meet. When Kyungsoo has to leave for a day or two to move two floors up, where patients get attached to different machines, helping them in clearing their blood out. Or organs, like Kyungsoo's does on him.

When Jongin has to fall asleep without talking to his hyung, when everything hurts even more.

But every time, Kyungsoo comes back. He comes back, and waits for vacancy that comes with hours. Then he gets up, grabs at his jacket, not forgetting to bring his wool hat too, and walks out.

Right to Jongin's room, right to where both of them know Jongin's waiting, ready and excited.

    "Let's go, hyung." Jongin says, releasing the knob while the door slides closed, and takes Kyungsoo by his forearm.

    "Don't worry, hyung. I just like to hold you, nothing else."

He says when Kyungsoo huffs out, stalling in his steps. "I'm not weak, you know. The chemo was pretty nasty last night, but I'm fine."

And Jongin smiles, holding him better. They're on their way to their favorite place. Kyungsoo's sky and Jongin's seat next to Kyungsoo.

    "I know, hyung. You're the bravest, strongest—"

    "Don't flatter me, Nini. I'm nothing of sort."

He wants to retort back, convince Kyungsoo that the list doesn't stop there whatsoever, quite the opposite. But Kyungsoo beats him to it, squeezing at his hand to move quicker, because he can do it.

    "Okay, let's go."

 

***

 

The air is warmer this time. The summer is slowly approaching, and Jongin likes to see natural color in Kyungsoo's pudgy cheeks.

The warmer weather also means that Kyungsoo leaves his hat in the room, because it's not cold anymore for his barren head.

Jongin still remembers—and holds dear to his heart—when their paths collided. Kyungsoo was already at the rooftop, escaping everything and everyone, hiding in his own build-up world.

And he'd been here for two days, back then, when he needed to escape beeping machines, cold beds and gray walls. The first place he could think of was the roof above his head. Not knowing if the place is even open, unlocked for random visitors, Jongin took the elevator, walking the rest of the stairs.

When his hand pushed the knob open, he breathed in again. There was nothing, only gray concrete as far as he could see, with edges lifted above the level of it. There were railings on each side, keeping the patients safe if anyone dared to wander around, and when Jongin looked around, his breath hitched.

Truth be told, he didn't expect anyone to share his safe haven. But there was a boy, after all, sitting not that far away from the back exit, soaking up the last remains of the day.

With his jet-black hair waving at the fresh air, eyes closed and face serene, Jongin couldn't blink. Or look away.

He felt tingles when the wind took up, shivering when the boy didn't move, only leaning heavily on his two feet, completely immersed.

When Jongin dared to walk closer, dragging his feet slowly, he heard the boy humming. Barely there, like a hushed melody from the heart; the boy was in his own world, in his time, with nothing anchoring him down.

And Jongin felt like he needed to know where it all came from.

He reminiscence while Kyungsoo talks about something that is important, something that drags his eyes down to Jongin, long enough to make sure he's being heard.

With his shining eyes, soaking up all the lights, and smiling lips, Jongin falls. The words dance across his temples, pouring down to his shoulder, then arm, stopping to tickle at his fingertips.

But he doesn't have enough courage to push them out.

Kyungsoo's expressive, explaining it with his hands too, and Jongin doesn't feel like suffocating when Kyungsoo's there. He gets lost in his eyes, stops breathing when Kyungsoo smiles just for him, and forgets about leaving ever again, if it wasn't for Kyungsoo holding his hands.

He doesn't tremble anymore, he's downright spasming by now, not being able to control his muscles. Everything aches when Kyungsoo looks back at the endless sky, that doesn't even twinkle that much anymore.

Kyungsoo has explained how sometimes stars don't take their rightful place when there's rain expected. 'They don't need to share someone else's glory. Not when they have their own. And there's enough time for everyone; stars are just shy like that.'

And Kyungsoo, in Jongin's humble opinion, is the same.

    "Hyung?"

    "Yes?"

But he doesn't know what to say. He just needed Kyungsoo's attention back on him, imploring eyes asking more than his tongue. When Kyungsoo smiles softly, his lips dipping in both corners, he dives in.

    "I really want to do something." It's now or never, he thinks. Because Kyungsoo is like a shooting star—happening once if you're lucky.

Jongin wishes he is.

    "Okay.." He whispers, turning around when Jongin does, grabbing at his head. The long locks aren't there anymore, but Jongin thinks it doesn't draw away from his beauty.

He's stunning; inside and out.

So he takes a deep breath, watching when Kyungsoo does the same; moving closer.

Neither mind when their thighs brush, when their arms tingle and goosebumps erupt, because Jongin closes his eyes, hitting his target softly.

And Kyungsoo's pliant underneath.

He moves when Jongin moves, tilting his head to the side for a better access, wanting to swallow him up.

This feels like dying, stopping to be the one with the sky Kyungsoo loves so much, because his chest doesn't stop glowing. From the boy that brings him summer, even when his fingers ache from winter.

Jongin kisses closer, slotting their lips together, so neither thought escapes through, reaching out to touch too. Kyungsoo inhales when Jongin's fingers touch at his cheek first, moving to cup instead, and gets lost in the tongue that feels shy at the breach of his lips.

By now, both are shaking.

The air is warm, but Kyungsoo feels like it's warmer in here, between them. Scorching hot, instead. And he swallows more of Jongin, gasping softly for air when he feels his hand holding him close.

Kyungsoo is cheeky when they pull apart, leaning his forehead on Jongin's, neither wanting to break apart. "I knew there was a reason of why I wanted to share my sky with you."

 

***

 

The next time Jongin witness stars taking away Kyungsoo is a couple of days later. This time, Kyungsoo's brought his favorite blanket from his room, helping Jongin in spreading him down.

He's first to lay down, to spread his arms as long as they go, and beckons Jongin to join him.

    "Ah, so much better."

Jongin laughs out loud, honestly after a long time. He looks down to where Kyungsoo leans against him, getting lost in the endless stars. Again with stars.

Jongin shouldn't feel jealous of something that it's not even alive anymore, something that Kyungsoo doesn't get to grasp, only swallow it up with his eyes, but he does.

And then not when Kyungsoo shyly picks his arm from the blanket, linking it around his neck. Not then, because Jongin stops to look at the scene, having his eyes only on Kyungsoo. They're hugging, with Kyungsoo using his arm as a pillow, only mushing his insides even more.

Because no stars worth dying has been as beautiful as Kyungsoo.

    "Say something."

    "Hyung.."

    "Something else."

    "Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo looks up, only one edge of his lips raising. Jongin feels the burn behind his throat, swallowing it down as fast as it came. No. He doesn't get to do this.

He gets to enjoy some time with his hyung, and he doesn't need anything else.

So he empties his brain, relaxing when Kyungsoo snuggles closer, and lets himself go. There's nothing else in this moment. Just Kyungsoo, his lovers from above and Jongin.

The edges blur out when Jongin looks up, trying to spot some new star Kyungsoo hasn't seen yet. But his hyung stills next to him, only the warm body reminder that he's there; breathing, existing with him.

And it should be enough for Jongin.

But something coils in his tummy. Like the worlds are swallowing him from the inside, and he's losing a battle. That is when the words feel heavy.

    "Hyung.. Kyungsoo.. Are we seeing stars tomorrow, too?"

Kyungsoo hums. Then inhales, letting the air play in his lungs before huffing out. "Of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

 

***

 

And it happens over night.

There are yells, feet thumping along the white floor of the hallway, waking him up.

Through bleariness, Jongin stops to look at the door of his room, clearing out his head. There are voices, coming from all sides, always calling for something else.

When his feet touch the cold floor, he doesn't feel the pain, and instead moves until his ear is pressed on the door. There are voices still, but suddenly, they stop.

Like being turned off, everything stops, and Jongin listens.

He doesn't need to alarm anyone that he's awake, but curiosity gets the best of him. So he grabs at the knob, twisting it painfully so, watching the door clicking out of place.

When he peers out, the hallway lights are turned on, blindingly so; he actually has to squint to look to the sides.

And when he sees all the rooms in darkness, except for one at the end of the hallway, he runs out.

    "No!"

His legs hurt, his lungs burn, but he doesn't regret it. There are people, all of their doctors and he recognizes some of the nurses, but he doesn't focus on that.

Like a painting being covered when it needs a rest, they move the white linen sheet over Kyungsoo's form. And he knows that it's his hyung, because his favorite slippers are fuzzy, laying underneath.

He doesn't feel anything at first when they call his name, telling him to go back. And he doesn't feel a damn thing when his hyung doesn't watch the ceiling anymore, laying unmoving underneath the fresh sheet.

His has polka-dots, Jongin remembers in a moment, and Kyungsoo wouldn't use the white, hospital one if he was the one picking it.

And Jongin wants to scream that his hyung isn't a forgotten painting that is left alone in the dark, because he's here. He is here, and he doesn't want to leave it behind. He wants to remember it much longer, to soak up all of the little crannies that it could have, and that he didn't have enough time for it all.

Kyungsoo is a mystery that he's just starting to learn, and he's not ready to let go. Not like this.

    "Time of death..."

Jongin moves closer, only focusing on Kyungsoo's hand that is visible, laying cold next to the white sheet. When he touches it, it leaves a tingling spasm behind, like it's on him to collect all stars that live in Kyungsoo's heart.

On his skin, in his eyes, stuck in his brain.

    "... 4:08h."

Jongin inhales, taking it all in, while his hyung doesn't.

There are worlds swirling inside, making him breathe without living, but Jongin doesn't need to show. And he doesn't when he walks back out, going for the other end of the hall, having one place in mind.

When he inhales the fresh air, he feels the tingle on his cheeks. It hurts, breaking him apart, tearing him each breath by breath.

Stars—those insatiable bastards—shine exceptionally well today. Like they have the brightest one among themselves, finally coming back to them.

Coming home.

Jongin sits next to the railing, thinking about the last thing Kyungsoo has said, while holding his hand.

    'When time comes, I would have to go, Nini.'

    'Where, hyung?'

    'Somewhere you're not allowed to come. Somewhere I have to go alone.'

And when Jongin looks up to the sky, to that brazen piece that's not shy to approach, he finally understands.

It's not in the sky, not in stars or the sunrays. It's not in the vast space that leads to emptiness. And it's not in the fresh air that makes you lightheaded when you inhale with your lungs full and eyes closed.

It's in your heart. It's in coming back to where you started. To going home.

Now, Jongin's sure.

The brightest stars are born dying.

And Kyungsoo is finally happy; he's finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that needed to be off my chest. I've been feeling down lately, and I needed to cry it out. And then write it here.


End file.
